Don't Use the Phone to Stop a Tantrum

Your toddler is losing it in the supermarket. Full volume. People are staring. You reach for the phone because you know it'll work. It always does.

Nobody is judging you for that. And it's worth knowing what's happening underneath, because there's a pattern worth understanding.

What the research says

A 2016 study in JAMA Pediatrics looked at families who regularly used mobile devices to manage their toddler's emotions. The children who were most frequently soothed with a screen tended to show less developed self-regulation skills over time (Radesky, 2016).

The reasoning is straightforward. When a toddler is overwhelmed by a feeling (anger, frustration, boredom), they're in the middle of learning how to manage that feeling. If a screen steps in frequently, it may reduce the opportunities for that practice. The feeling passes, but the child has had less chance to work through it themselves.

What tends to help

Acknowledge the feeling first. "You're really upset. I know." You don't have to fix it. Just naming what's happening helps a toddler start to make sense of it.

Then redirect. "Let's go look at the fish" or "Can you help me find the bananas?" Give them somewhere else to put their attention.

This is harder than handing over the phone. It takes longer. It sometimes doesn't work. But each time a child works through a big feeling, they appear to build a small amount of additional capacity for the next one.

When it's fine

A long car journey, a medical waiting room, a flight: sometimes a screen is the only tool available, and that's okay.

The research is about pattern, not individual moments. The research is about frequency and habit. When the phone is the consistent first response to emotional distress, that's the pattern the study flagged. An occasional lifeline on a hard day is a different thing.

For more on managing the handoff, see our post on ending screen time without a meltdown.